Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
