please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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