i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
