Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
