Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
