I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
