i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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