I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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