Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
