I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize