He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
