This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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