he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
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Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
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Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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