all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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