anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
