i may or may not be watching the land before time
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
