The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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