youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
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I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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