So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
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so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
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He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...