I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime