I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.