Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again