woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
