I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
