i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
organizing the empties. That sober.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
