Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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