I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
