nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i drank out of a bidet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
