glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
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