Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
