she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
