I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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