I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
