you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
