And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
