Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
