i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
