What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
