Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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