Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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