I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
