Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
