I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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