I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
