just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
