watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
