just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
