I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
