Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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