my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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