I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
