Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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