How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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