i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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