a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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