I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
